Prioritize and Reset Expectations

Parenting a neurodivergent child often means reimagining what success looks like—not just for your child, but for your family. It’s essential to recognize that every child’s journey is unique. Resetting expectations doesn’t mean lowering them; it means aligning them with your child’s specific strengths, needs, and pace. When you focus on progress—not perfection—you create a more compassionate and resilient environment where your child can thrive.

Why This Step Matters

Parents often feel pressure from schools, peers, or even extended family to compare their child’s development to neurotypical milestones. This pressure can lead to frustration, guilt, or unrealistic standards. Instead, by prioritizing and resetting expectations, you:

  • Reduce anxiety for both yourself and your child.

  • Build confidence in your parenting approach.

  • Create clarity in your goals and communication strategies.

How to Prioritize

Start by identifying one or two high-impact behaviors or challenges that are interfering most with your child’s daily functioning or emotional well-being.

Example:

If your child has frequent meltdowns during transitions (like getting ready for school), focus first on that specific transition period. Improving this one part of the day can have ripple effects on the rest of the family’s routine.

Ask yourself:

  • Which behaviors are most disruptive to daily life?

  • What situations cause the most stress or conflict?

  • Where does my child need the most immediate support?

Resetting Expectations: Reframing Success

Expectations should be rooted in your child’s reality—not anyone else’s timeline.
You may need to shift from "My child must sit through a full class without interruption" to "My child can stay seated for 10 minutes and use a fidget quietly to self-regulate."

Example of Resetting:

Before: My child should make a friend at every birthday party.
After: My child can say “hi” to one peer and find a quiet corner when they need space.

Break Down Goals into Steps

Small, incremental progress is still progress. Break larger goals into bite-sized, achievable steps.

Example Goal:

Ultimate Goal: My child communicates when they're upset without yelling.
Step 1: Teach simple emotion words (e.g., “mad,” “sad”).
Step 2: Use visual cards to help them identify feelings.
Step 3: Role-play appropriate ways to express frustration.
Step 4: Reinforce with praise or rewards when they use a tool or word instead of yelling.

Celebrate Small Victories

Success may not look like a gold star or perfect school report. It may look like:

  • A meltdown lasting 5 minutes instead of 30.

  • Trying a new food, even if just one bite.

  • Making eye contact for a few seconds.

  • Asking for help instead of withdrawing.

Celebrate these wins! They build momentum and help your child feel seen and valued.

Simple Celebration Ideas:

  • Verbal praise: “I saw how hard that was for you—and you did it anyway.”

  • Visual token system (sticker charts or check-ins).

  • Extra bedtime story or time doing a preferred activity.